Fulfillment, Fun and Pleasure In Bed!
Top level menu
Great sex isn't just about technique
Of course it isn't. It's much more about knowing what pleases your partner, sexually. And that will vary from one woman to another.
It means taking account of your partner's specific needs, and it means knowing how to behave in a way in bed that meets both your needs and your partner's. After all, sex is meant to be a pleasure for two people. So what, then, is the essence of great sex? Is it possible to learn how to please a woman? Or please a man, for that matter?
First of all, it is probably about consideration. Simply taking your pleasure (kiss, insert, ejaculate) is selfish - you have to pleasure your partner unless you have both specifically agreed that this is a "quickie", designed for the thrill of sexual release and nothing else.
And pleasing a woman means taking time to ensure she gets what she needs - slow gentle arousal, slow engagement, stimulation at a pace that is right for her.
An increasing rate of sexual stimulation that takes her on a sensuous journey all the way through to her orgasm and recovery stage of her sexual response cycle.
Your Body During Sex
No matter how good you are at the mechanics of sex, it will count for nothing if the woman you're with isn't receptive to you.
First and foremost in the list of requirements for good sex is your ability to convey to the woman that you're with the fact that she isn't just a sex object, that you like her as a person, you're not there just because you want sex with her. To be fully turned on, she has to trust and respect you.
No matter how much she likes sex, she's going to need to know that you want to make love to her, and not just any woman that you happen to be able to get into bed. She must know that pleasing her pleases you.
So, assuming that you do want to be in some kind of relationship with the woman you're trying to get into bed, then bear in mind the following simple fact: if you enjoy a lot of foreplay with her, the sex, when you get down to it, will be much, much better.
In fact, the only way to have really good sex is to enjoy extensive foreplay that really arouses her: the more foreplay you enjoy with her, the more she'll enjoy sex, the more enthusiastic she'll be, and the more fun you'll have! And she will certainly be pleased with the effort you have made to satisfy her in bed.
Of course what I said above implies there's a distinction between foreplay and sex. In reality, there is no such distinction, as they blend seamlessly into each other. What you have to remember is this: to ensure she is ready for sex, she needs 10 to 20 times as much foreplay is you do.
Now, that can be problematic for many men (and their partners), because sexual response in many men is almost instant. (At least, most women would probably see it that way!)
So if a man can get an erection after two minutes, insert and ejaculate within another two, the implication of most research is that the woman in this relationship would need around twenty to thirty minutes' foreplay before she was ready to achieve orgasm. How is this gross disparity in what might be taken as "sexual needs" to be resolved? The answer can only lie in the man tempering his sexual responses and paying more attention to the woman.
What are the advantages of foreplay?
To start with, apart from the obvious fact that it ensures a woman is ready for sex both physically, emotionally and spiritually, it actually reinforces the bond between you, it provides greater intimacy within your relationship, and it relaxes you, so that when you do get down to sex (by which I mean penetrative sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation), she's much more likely to have an orgasm, and you're much more likely to have a very enjoyable experience with her.
For the man, one clear advantage of foreplay is that he is much more likely to be aroused to the point where his erection persists without any fear of losing it. After all, in my work as a sex therapist, I have discovered that men's most common fear is loss of erection - and men's most common sexual dysfunction is - yes, you guessed it, loss of erection. Erection problems are the curse of men's sexual self-confidence.
Just what is foreplay? Is it the way to please a woman?
Even if you haven't been in a situation yet where you've been tempted to just "take" a woman sexually, to push into her, to take your pleasure regardless of her wishes and desires, there's likely to be a time in your life where this happens.
Suppose you're incredibly turned on, you're with a woman who really excites you, you've been talking, you've kissed, maybe you've even undressed and you're naked together, you have a hard erection, and judging by her responses she seems to be just as excited as you are. What next?
Well, let's suppose for a moment that at this point your desire overtakes you and, lying on top of her, while kissing her passionately, your penis magically finds its way into her body and you begin to "make love" (i.e. fuck) to her. It's a feeling like no other: it's the ultimate male sexual pleasure, to have a willing woman, to dominate her, to take her, to reach climax and ejaculate deep inside her. It's exciting, it's pleasurable, and it's incredibly fulfilling of you as a man. However..... she may not feel too pleased about it.
But did you ever stop to ask yourself how she felt about it? It's entirely possible, that if she was really aroused at the height of her desire, she too found it a very enjoyable experience. It's even possible she reached orgasm; but, as we know, that is rather unlikely, because only a very few women reach orgasm through intercourse, and in the situation described she would need to have been extremely turned on, and probably getting some clitoral stimulation as well to reach orgasm.
Would it surprise you then, if after you've done the deed, and you're lying back congratulating yourself on a job well done, her attitude turns cold on you? You're feeling very satisfied from having sex; she seems to be pissed off. What went wrong?
The obvious answer is that she didn't come.
The implication is that you didn't even try to make her come. I've said before, but I repeat here, because I think it's incredibly important: bear in mind that most men come reasonably quickly after penetration, while most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
Also remember that a woman usually needs 20 minutes of foreplay (at least!) before she's aroused enough to want intimate sexual contact, the best sex for both of you will only be achieved when you take the trouble to warm her up, give her an orgasm through oral sex or masturbation, and then share the joys of penetration and your own orgasm with her.
Importance of Foreplay
You'll want to do this, if for no other reason than the fact that you're a thoughtful, considerate, caring man, not a selfish exploiter who just wants a quick fuck. Even though you get an erection and you're ready to go, or at least that's how it feels, it just isn't the same for her. 14 foreplay tips to please your woman.
Talking to her, establishing a connection, enjoying gentle physical connection, kissing, and sensuous touch is all essential to get her warmed up, get her juices flowing, and get her in the mood before she wants to be sexual with you. You can think of this as a process that has two stages: the first stage is you talk to her, so that your minds get to know each other; the next stage is that you kiss, touch, caress and cuddle, so that your bodies get to know each other.
Only when she's convinced that you want to "know" her for her own sake, not just as a quick lay, and only when her body has had enough of the right kind of stimulation, will she be really ready for sex. To ensure that a woman is ready for sex is an essential part of being a man.
These are the things that a man should know - but unfortunately they are not the kind of things that most men learn from their fathers (or indeed anywhere else).
It takes a savvy kind of guy to know how to please a woman sexually, to bring her to orgasm, to give her a great time in bed. If you think you lack this knowledge, then this may be a helpful resource for you. A program to give a woman an orgasm is Orgasm By Command Review written by the current internet guru on sexual matters - Lloyd Lester.
Now, what she's never going to tell you is that she expects you to know this. She expects you to follow that plan. She expects you to be sensitive enough to meet her needs in this area. And the truth is that unless you do those things, you're not going to enjoy good sex (and, if it's a casual date, you're probably not going to see her again). What often puzzles men is that women will go along with them and have sex, even if some or all of the above "conditions" are not fulfilled.
It's easy to assume that if a woman does have intercourse with you, she wanted it, she was ready for it, and if she seems grumpy or displeased afterwards, you'll probably wonder why.
The truth is that she probably did it just to please you. You don't want that kind of sex.
So if you're going to enjoy good foreplay, you need to see foreplay as a way of enjoying yourself with your partner, and arousing her at the same time, not as a tedious task that just has to be done before you get the reward for doing it (access to her body).
In some sense of course, foreplay begins well outside the bedroom. You could even argue that it begins the moment you decide you want to go to bed with someone, because from that moment on your actions will be directed to that outcome. What you say to your partner, both before and during physical intimacy, is also a vital part of foreplay.
As you know, your words can turn your partner on: what you say to her can make her melt emotionally, and her body prepare for intimacy with you.
Words like: "You're so beautiful, so sexy, so desirable" or "I love being with you, your beautiful body makes me feel so excited" or "You feel so good" and "I love to hold you and kiss you" or "I love the scent of your body and the taste of your secret special places"...and so on. You can think of many more, I'm sure - though if you can't, you need to read the following book to help you get some clues on how to be sensitive and romantic in what you say to your partner.
While you want to hear how desirable you are, and how much your woman would like to feel you inside them, and other similar expressions of admiration for your manhood and masculinity, women like to hear compliments, expressions of how you feel towards them, and personal words that show your appreciation and affection for them.
This is beginning to sound a bit like Romance 101, but it's interesting how few men have the sensitivity, or the training, the charm a female partner with what they say. (And I'm not talking about the charmer, the lothario, who seduces a woman with words, uses her, and then abandons her).
I'm talking about the man who clearly and directly says what he feels from his heart: if you don't know how to do that now, get a bit of coaching from the following website which will help you turn your words into romantic messages that go straight to your lover's heart.
It follows therefore, that something like "I love being intimate with you" goes down a heck of a lot better than "I'd really like to f**k you." At least, that is, in the initial stages of your interaction. There's nothing wrong with hot, horny talk when you're both extremely aroused and in the midst of passion.
But even then, be sensitive.
Don't go plunging in until you sure that she's going to respond by being turned on, or that it excites her as well. You might even want to discuss the matter before you get into bed, when your feelings of arousal are not distorting your judgment. And if you want her to talk this dirty to you, simply tell how much it arouses you.
Of course what women really like (just as men do) is foreplay that makes them feel good. If you communicate the fact that you want your partner to feel good she is likely to be much more responsive to your caresses. And just how do you make her feel good?
Be slow, attentive, kind, connect with her feelings and emotions, don't dive straight for her genitals, and give her the space and time that she needs to get aroused. Bear in mind that if she senses you're not enjoying yourself or you're not really into the foreplay, she might still let you move on to full sex ... but, as you know by now, this is isn't going to be be a success.
Women are very sensitive to the fact that men get bored with foreplay: if pleasing men is one of her "programs" then she'll probably go along with you, but you won't get great sex. If you care about the woman you are with you can think of foreplay as sharing pleasure. And if you're thinking of sex as being nothing more than penetrative sex then you're making a mistake.
Much of foreplay is sex: besides caressing, touching, kissing, it includes mutual pleasuring, oral pleasuring and really any other kind of play you want to engage in. In other words, foreplay is sex just as much as intercourse is.
I've already described at considerable length how women worry about what men are thinking. This is just as true in the bedroom as it is everywhere else.
If she can't pick up clues from you, as you make love, about how you're feeling, she may conclude that you're not enjoying yourself, at which point she'll start worrying whether she's doing it well enough and she may start pestering you about how you're feeling, which is pretty much guaranteed to end the pleasure for both of you.
The way to deal with this is simply to tell her how you're feeling, by means of verbal and non-verbal signals: moans of pleasure, whispers of delight, or simple straightforward statements about how good it feels will go a long way to reassuring her that you're enjoying yourself.
You might have noticed how nothing turns you on in your bedroom like a woman who is turned on, a woman who's responding to what you're doing to her.
Did it ever occur to you that this is also true the other way round? She gets incredibly excited when she senses your unleashed passion and enjoyment of what you're doing together. So don't hold back! Let go, make as much noise as you want, lose your inhibitions and show her you love a good time with her!
It might strike you as a strange notion that men can be inhibited in bed, but it's absolutely true. Nowhere is this seen more clearly than in men who have delayed ejaculation, a condition where they find it difficult to ejaculate, if not impossible, despite long-lasting intercourse with their partners.
That condition affects about 10% of men, perhaps slightly more, but it's only one end of the scale of inhibition which to some extent the effects all men.
You don't have to shout so loud that the neighbors ring the Fire Brigade. Just make a bit more noise, and you might be surprised how it adds to your enjoyment of sex -- and this includes the noise you make when you come, for the louder you express your pleasure, the more powerful your orgasm will be. Try it and see!
When you are in touch with the energy of sex to the full, you get in touch with the energy of life, and you get in touch with your passion. You also get in touch with your ability to please your partner. That can be passion as in sexual arousal, or it can be passion as in "enthusiastically engaging with life in a wholehearted way". As far as making love is concerned, the watchword is: build it up slowly, give and take, and let passion you so that you lose your editions when you express how you're feeling.
Specific ideas to spice it up
One of the best techniques for generating arousal is to gently stimulate the skin. Start by using your hands in a conventional massage. You don't really have to know anything about massage techniques to do this -- just use some oil and rub your hands over your partner's body.
Stimulating her skin in this way gets her "into" her body. If you're both naked, then rub your whole body length from top to toe over hers, making sure that you support your weight in your arms so you don't squash.
Let her feel your hardening manhood brush over her body as you do this, but don't make it overtly sexual -- not at this stage anyway. Then take time to stimulate the skin with other things such as a feather, or silk, or by blowing warm air across her skin. This is all about enlivening every nerve ending so that her whole body begins to tingle (or your body begins to tingle if she's doing it to you).
It is amazing how sensual and erotic this can be, how arousing it can be for both a man and a woman be stimulated in this way. And of course there will be a point at which you want to move on to massaging the genitals -- and that's fine if you spend enough time preparing for it. You could even use your mouth on her intimate areas, and she could return the favor for you.
You may well find when you do this is that because of the different way in which the energy builds up it takes longer for a man to reach orgasm that it would normally if his partner is masturbating his penis. Men with a premature ejaculation problem may be surprised how much stimulation they can take from their partner without going over the edge and exploding!
It's actually a beautiful technique for building up arousal, a technique that can allow you to experience much more powerful orgasms later.