Here Is The Definitive Guide To Pleasuring
A Woman
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"Rod, where have you been all these years, when I needed this information so badly? We were arguing so much about our relationship before we read your material, and yet now our life together is beautifully calm and relaxed....Life is looking great!" Robert Gascoigne - New York |
Do men and women mean different
things when they talk about romance? Do men even like
to be romantic, except perhaps in the first flush of
passion in a new relationship?
One thing's for sure - women want much more romance;
unfortunately a lot of men don't know quite what it
means to be romantic. When you read descriptions of
what women say they mean by the word "romance" you
quickly come to understand that romance for a woman is
actually about affection, attention, and time spent
together.
It's the little gestures that show that you're thinking of her in a sweet, loving way that constitute romance. Another way to think of it is this: romance is anything which shows her you've taken the time and trouble to give her some special attention, the kind of attention that makes her feel like she's appreciated and valued.
There are many ways in which you can behave romantically. If you think of it as a way of showing her that you care about her and you're thinking about her, it might become easier for you to give her the romance that she craves.
It's important to realise that romance doesn't have to involve big gestures like expensive trips to hotels and financially ruinous presents. Oftentimes, the small gifts and small gestures of appreciation will do just as well in pleasing your woman. One thing that's certain is that if you get this right, she will warm internally -- no, she'll melt! -- and that means you're likely to be enjoying a passionate sex life pretty regularly.
Now, I don't want you to think
that romance is just a means to get your end away.
That's far too cynical. A much healthier way of seeing
it is as a form of foreplay, which warms her heart and
primes her mind so that she's ready to open up her body
to you sexually.
I think if women are honest about it, they'd admit I'm
right about that. It follows that the best way to be
romantic is to get to know your partner well and to
work out exactly what she'd appreciate most. So, for
example, flowers are an obvious romantic gesture, and
they're really valued by women. But there are more
individual things you can do to please your partner:
Of course, I could go on but I don't think it's necessary: if you're a man and you're interested in a woman, romance comes naturally. at the same time, I've heard it said by a lot of men that after the relationship has been going for a while, there's no point being romantic. Apart from the fact that this is very discounting of her importance, surely you wan to please her? After all, she's spending a lot of time making you feel good, so why not return the favor?
Romance doesn't have to be difficult. In fact, if you do things that you enjoy as well it can be positively delightful for you both!
But the fact that we men so often forget anniversaries or birthdays does say something quite remarkable about our priorities -- it's almost inconceivable that she'd forget your birthday or your anniversary. Without going into the whys and wherefores of this, and knowing she really values these romantic occasion, show you appreciate her by just putting them in your diary each year on January 1 so you don't forget them (unless you like living with anger and resentment, that is!).
Most women think kissing is one of the most romantic things that a man can do for them, so it's important that you know how to do it well. A good kiss can really change the way a woman feels towards you, not to mention the fact that kissing can get her in the mood for something more sexual. So what's a good kiss? It isn't just about putting your lips on hers and pressing hard! You need a bit of technique, and the best way to get this right is simply to focus on what you're doing.
In other words, when you're kissing her put all of your affection, attention and focus into your lips and tongue; focus on sending her your warmth, appreciation and love through your lips and tongue. You might want to put one hand behind her head, or place the palm of each of your hands on her cheeks as you kiss her. Men usually control the way a couple kisses, since they're usually the ones who instigate it. It's therefore up to you to set the tone and to make sure you're kissing in a way that will give her pleasure -- which means doing it in a way that suits her, not in a way that suited your last girlfriend but one! You need to be flexible and ready to change styles with different women.
Women will pick up a lot from a kiss: they'll know whether you're feeling passionate, attached, affectionate, detached, indifferent, selfish, nervous, ... or whatever. One of the questions that often arises around kissing is whether or not to use your tongue, and if so how to do it. Well, the first thing is to make sure that she's actually enjoying it once you place your tongue in her mouth. How would you know that? Answer: take it gently, and see how she responds. She's likely to respond more passionately when she's more turned on; in the early stages of a romantic or sexual encounter, she's likely to want you to be more restrained.
So, for example, you might want to just run the tip of your tongue gently round the inside of her lips and see how she responds before taking the tongue contact any further. Let's face it, you're an adult man, you've had some sexual experience (or maybe plenty of sexual experience), so you ought to have the discernment and discrimination to know when she's enjoying what you're doing and to respond to her enjoyment by pushing things further forward. In the end, it's about consideration of her feelings, and respecting what she wants by taking it at a pace that is right for her. You're the leader here, and that's the way both she and you will feel comfortable and safe. One final point -- don't forget a tender kiss can communicate love, while a passionate kiss will convey sexual desire.
One thing that every man over the age of 18 ought to realise is that sex is a heck of a lot better when the woman you're with has been seduced and wooed with romance, then gently aroused with foreplay, before you even begin to think about more sexual interaction.
Of course, foreplay can be sexual - there's no clear dividing line between foreplay and sex. In general it takes 10 to 20 times longer for a woman to get aroused than it does a man, so you can see that an awful lot of preliminary action is needed before you even begin to think about oral sex or penetration.
For a woman, it involves kissing, touching, gentle caressing, whole body contact, looking into each other's eyes, exchanging loving words, gentle touches, cuddles, hugs, more kisses, and then more of everything I just mentioned -- and then some more -- before moving on to more sexual contact like gentle touches of hand on breasts, nipples and vulva, or intimate caresses with your tongue or lips on her breasts, labia, clitoris, or vulva.
One of the big questions for many men is why women want to go so slowly at first. This is basically because women see sex differently to men. For a woman, the act of opening up to literally allow you inside her body is both a physical and a deeply psychological thing; before she can fully embrace you as her lover she has to trust you, and although it may sound like a cliché, one of the aspects of this trust is knowing that you don't want her just for sex.
I'm not denying that it's possible for a woman to have a relationship with a man which is based purely on mutual sexual desire. Rather, what I'm saying is that in general, most women, most of the time, need to trust a man before they can fully open their bodies and their sexual selves to receive him fully. It goes without saying that a woman who is primed in this way is going to both enjoy sex much more than one who is not, and that the consequence for the man she is with -- which happens to be you -- will be much more enjoyable and passionate sex.
Yes, she may have sex with you before this she fully trusts you and is ready to open up to you, and it may even be very satisfying for you as a form of physical release, a form of vaginal masturbation, but it won't have the quality of partnered sex where the woman is fully with you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
But there's more to it than just the issue of trust -- don't forget friendship. Being friends with somebody before you go to bed with them gives you a good foundation of understanding and empathy, which ultimately makes sex easier, and allows you to look forward to just being together as well as enjoying physical intimacy.
As we know, men love to chase women, and love the reward of ultimately getting the conquest - the thrill of having the woman who attracted them. In the passion and excitement that can ensue, try to keep in mind -- no, do keep in mind -- the need for caring words of appreciation, and expressions of your feelings towards her: telling her honestly how you feel about ther will cement your relationship with her and offer her reassurance about what exactly you want from her.
Finally, it's worth pointing out that it's often much better to slow things down and wait for sex than to trying get it at the first opportunity. Unless you're actually out to exploit a woman for her body, taking things slowly, letting them move at their own pace, and allowing your feelings for each other to evolve naturally to the point where you want sex can take a great deal of pressure off you go and make the sex much more pleasurable and relaxed when it finally happens.
You need to remember also that once you've crossed the line with a woman and gone to bed with her, her expectations of you and your relationship are almost certain to change: you need to be ready for her having an expectation of greater commitment. If you're not ready for that, perhaps you really need to consider whether or not the appeal of sex is sufficient to run the risk of you and her developing conflicting expectations.
Can you handle a sexually dominant and "forward" woman? You might think so, but reports from women suggest that there are still a heck of a lot of men who find it challenging when a woman takes the sexual initiative.
Why should this be so? The double standard runs deep in all of us: men tend to think how great it would be to have sex with a woman on the first date, but if she gives herself to us, we suddenly find ourselves thinking of her as "easy" or a slut. Yet, I can assure you that women do not think of men in the same way if they seduce a man into sex on the first date (though it's a minority who do). That seems hypocritical.
Apart from the obvious fact that you'll respect the woman you're seeing more if you wait a little while until you're physically intimate (on average men expect to have sex with a new partner for the first time on the third, fourth or fifth date), it is clearly ridiculous that we still seem to think that a woman who wants to sleep with a man on the first date is a slut, whereas a man who sleeps with a woman on the first day is a stud.
For everybody's sake, drop this double standard right now, and wait until you've been seeing a woman awhile before you have sex with her.
And another double standard which you can drop is the belief that women divide into two camps: the sexually active woman, and the "nice girl". Needless to say of course, the former is the legendary good time girl, and the latter is the Madonna, the mother figure, the asexual good wife and mom in society. Just change your thinking, men, and recognise that these two stereotypes are not incompatible and they can occur in the same woman.
Furthermore, if it's all right for a man to have a sexually active past, it's all right for a woman! You might want to marry a virgin, you might even want to go out on a date with a virgin, but you're not likely to find many around these days. Sociobiologists explain the fact that a man subconsciously wants a woman with a non-sexual history as being a deep animal motivation about knowing he's the male that's fathering her children, and being sure no other male's been in there before he has.
Well, that might or might not be true, but it doesn't alter the fact that we are men with the conscious ability to overcome these prejudices and double standards no matter where they originate. Wise up guys: you can be sexual, she can be sexual. It isn't a big deal. Or is it?
If you're a man who's threatened by a sexually dominant woman, one who knows fully how to take her pleasure from physical intimacy, then two things are likely to happen: you're likely to search out women who tend to the passive side, and you're probably going to be somewhat insecure if you do happen to get into bed with a woman who turns out to be a sexual tiger. If you think your current girl might be one of those, that's even more reason to delay having sex until you know the woman as a friend, and you've established a little bit of emotional intimacy to support you through your first encounter in bed.
The bottom line: don't question how many lovers she's had, at least not until you know her quite well. Develop trust so that you can discuss these matters with her from your heart without making judgements about her. Just get over the fact that she had a life with other men before she met you. Above all, don't question her morality, just as you wouldn't expect her to question yours. The double standard is outdated, inappropriate, and unhelpful.
For some men, the issue of being in bed with a dominant woman has deeper implications -- to put it bluntly, they can't get it up when it matters. To think that a man can be so threatened by a woman's sexuality as to be unable to get an erection is quite shocking. But I can assure you from my work with men that it's quite common. And you know what? It isn't even your fault if this happens to you: it's the product of what you've learned about the roles of men and women in society, in relationship, and particularly in the bedroom.
However, it is your responsibility to do something about it. A man without an erection needs to get it back for the sake of his self-esteem. The first thing is to accept that a woman can be just as sexual as a man, that she needs sex just as much as you do, and that she is capable of enjoying it just as much as you do. It's not fair to see women as being less sexual than men: sometimes that's true, sometimes it isn't.
What's more often true is that women hide their sexuality, or may not even be aware of it themselves, because society has taught them that good girls don't feel sexual. The next thing you can do is lie back and enjoy it! If you find that difficult then there's plenty of advice on the following website.
Even though many of us men like to think that we have a deft technique in bed, a technique that pleases women, and that leads them to the greatest pleasure during physical intimacy with us, the sad reality (as reported by women themselves) is that many of us are actually rather inadequate as lovers, and even the vast majority of us fail to take account of our lover's needs, if not all the time, at least occasionally. And since we are programmed to believe that we lead during sex, being with a woman who needs encouragement to develop her sexuality and sexual responses tends to make us move too fast, without taking account of what she needs to get pleasure out of the encounter.
A crucial thing for most women is to know that the man she's with is not judging her, either for the pleasure she's taking during sex, or for the inhibitions that she has yet to lose. When you combine this with the fact that many women are pretty insecure about their appearance anyway, you begin to get a sense of how much responsibility you carry as a man in the bedroom.
Common problems include embarrassment about her genitals, perhaps even shame about them. As always, what she needs from you is reassurance about how attractive you find that part of her body, how the smell, the taste, the look, and the feel of her genitals turns you on, how exciting you find her body, and how you love exploring it. Women, as we've already seen, need lots of reassurance on a fairly regular basis, and nowhere is this more true than in the bedroom when the lights are on the clothes are off. (If you happen to find the appearance or scent of a woman's genitals distasteful, then I strongly suggest you do some work on your aversion. It's actually natural for a man to find the scent of a woman's intimate parts sexually arousing.)
I've already referred to the importance of non-judgement in relationships. Nowhere is this more true than in the area of sexuality. Mutual support includes gentle encouragement, compassion, understanding, and tolerance. It doesn't include putting somebody down for what they do in the bedroom, for their sexual tastes, for their attempts to make sex enjoyable for you, or for their inability to reach orgasm on demand.
One of the areas where you may find disagreements easily arise between yourself and your partner is in the arena of sex. What does it actually mean to you both? Women draw a huge distinction between making love and having sex: Love involves romance, intimacy, tenderness and feeling appreciated and love. Sex involves physical relief and sensual pleasure in bed, if not the pleasure of orgasm. For you, as a man, the terms "making love" and "having sex" are probably interchangeable, but they're certainly not for your female partner. If you feel frustrated by her need for romance, keep in mind that she may be equally frustrated by your need for the pure physicality of sex, and, above all, tell her after you've enjoyed her body how much the experience meant to you, how much you care for her, and -- if it's true -- how much you love her.
Equally, if you want her to be more exciting and adventurous in bed, you need to be tactful in encouraging her to find a more outward, open and perhaps more physical expression of her sexuality. Trust me guys, every woman has a wild goddess in them, but sometimes it takes a bit of finding! The interesting thing is that with the right approach on your part, not only will she want to find it, but she'll explore it to the full and you'll both really enjoy the pleasure she can give you.
Finally, what about sexual fantasies? Well, it's a delicate area, if only because some of our fantasies are shocking to our partners, and certainly they'd be challenging to act out. Against this background, you need to be tactful about how much you reveal about your fantasies. For one thing most fantasies are better left as fantasies; if you feel that you want to share them, or act them out, then tact and discretion are the watchwords.
Move slowly in revealing, or in encouraging your partner to reveal, the nature of your fantasies. It's probably better to simply talk about fantasies than act them out, but if you're both happy with the idea of fleshing them out, move slowly here: take a step at a time, and be ready to stop whenever either of you feels uncomfortable. It's huge area of trust: to reveal these things to your partner takes courage, so they should be treated with respect. I remember the first time I revealed a fantasy to partner who then laughed about the content. This was so shaming that it significantly destroyed my trust in her, and with it my desire to open up to her again.
As far as helping a woman to understand that fantasies are natural and nothing to worry about, no matter what form they take, you might want to buy Nancy Friday's accounts of women's fantasies: they put into perspective the fact that women have just as a wild a time inside their mind as men do!
If you like porn, be careful about sharing it with your partner. Much porn is abusive and denigrating of women, and in my opinion represents nothing more than men's repressed anger or rage towards them. Having said that, there are some websites which are more tasteful than others and you should search these out if you really feel you must share this with your partner. (In my opinion, it's much better and healthier to wean yourself off porn and to engage in real sex with real people: that way you face the real challenges of a genuine relationship in the real world, and you don't experience the guilt, shame or self disgust that tends to develop after you've obtained physical release using porn).
Your woman may believe that a man who uses porn, or even a man who masturbates, while in relationship with her can't possibly find her attractive. It's a big sticking point. Yet, as a man I know that's usually untrue because we all have the need for quick, simple physical release; and, from time to time, we all enjoy a session of self-pleasuring with no strings attached. Try and understand that women don't see it that way: they feel excluded. In fact, some women feel so threatened by this that it will be impossible to reassure them. If you're with one of them, you can at least try telling her that this has nothing whatever to do with her and it does not in any way reflect how you feel about her. Above all, be compassionate and understanding, don't get angry and defensive, and keep on reassuring her how much you appreciate and love her. Open and honest communication are essential for breaking down such barriers.
Before we get into the specific techniques that lead a woman to the ultimate sexual pleasure, let's just discuss the elusive female orgasm. For women, reaching orgasm is much harder than it is for men: it's not only about stimulation in the body, it's about relaxing into the right state of mind - which basically can be summed up as relaxed, open and trusting.
This state of mind doesn't necessarily come easily: it depends on a woman knowing she's not under any kind of performance pressure from her man, at the same time she needs to know that he's going to be patient and loving as he helps a move towards her climax.
A tactless question such as: "Are you nearly there yet?" will stop dead in her tracks. As you probably already know, a woman needs to lose herself in the physical experience of your stimulation, confident and assured she has the time and space to reach orgasm (or not) at her own pace.
One problem men have with female sexuality is that they see their ability to please a woman (i.e. to give her full satisfaction during physical intimacy) as being a badge of their manhood, masculinity, or skill as a lover. In fact you can only facilitate a woman's journey to orgasm by giving her the right conditions to explore whether or not she's going to come on that particular occasion. She may, she may not; whether she does come or not only partly depends on what you're doing - it also depends on many factors inside her head which you may never know about, including, unfortunately, whether or not she feels the need to please you by pretending to reach a climax.
There's a fundamental male misunderstanding about female sexuality and it's this: a woman needs to have an orgasm to enjoy sex. The truth is that a woman can enjoy sex and be very satisfied by the connection with her lover even if she doesn't reach a climax. But when her lover begins to think that sex can only be great if she does come, then problems soon develop. What you need to do if you're a man who takes pride and pleasure in making his partner come (and don't we all?) is to chill out and relax, stop seeing her orgasm as your property, and stop putting pressure on her to come. All of that stuff will probably spoil the experience for her.
And that brings up the painful question of "faking it". The main reason women do this is because men put pressure on them to reach orgasm (it's a bit like men lying to a woman because that's easier than being straight and honest in the face of her emotionality). Women then feel inadequate about not being able to reach a climax. But nothing's simple in this area, for sure.
A man often asks his partner the tactless questions that make her feel pressurised and so render her unable to come just because he has a great desire to please her. When we conducted a survey among a group of men, over 50% said that it was "very important" to their pleasure that their female partner had an orgasm!
When you ask men why they feel it's so important that their partner has an orgasm they tend to say things like: "Giving her an orgasm makes me feel like a great lover" or "Taking her to orgasm makes me feel like a man". And of course it is very arousing to see a woman work up to, and explode into, her climax. Unfortunately, the problem here is that this attitude is primarily about her pleasure rather than yours, though that assertion is somewhat undermined by the fact that so many women do appear to want their man to take them to orgasm during sex (as opposed to ensuring they pleasure themselves through masturbation).
In short, the bottom line seems to be this: don't put pressure on her to come. Accept that she can enjoy sex without an orgasm. Remember that she might be well on the way to orgasm and then it suddenly disappears on her, and even if she's frustrated, it's not your fault. Remember she may not even know if she wants to come until quite some way into your bedroom fun and games. (Yes, I know this is hard to believe: you're a man and you can't imagine having sex without an orgasm. Trust me, it's different for women.)
As I mentioned before the pressure that women feel to please their man is one of the key factors that leads them to "fake it" during sex. And another one is that some women don't wish to appear demanding by asking for the time and space that they need to take their own, naturally slower route to orgasm. The key here is extended foreplay and a loving attitude on your part, though it doe snot harm to negotiate a "quickie" every now and then. (That's an episode of sex where you agree you, the man, can be as self-centred as you like, and just get off with your partner during intercourse as quickly as you like without worrying about her pleasure.)
I trust I don't need to mention the fact that there are almost no women who can reach orgasm through intercourse. Part of the reason for this is that intercourse lasts only a few minutes for the vast majority of couples: after years of working with men in this area I've come to accept that rapid ejaculation is a natural aspect of male sexuality, and almost all of us men find it difficult, if not impossible, to control our climaxes. For those men who have the opposite problem of retarded ejaculation, this may be a useful resource.
It is therefore incumbent upon you as a compassionate, caring lover, to make sure that your partner doesn't feel the need to fake an orgasm during intercourse, and that she gets to enjoy her climax through some other means. I've written much more about this on another website called Women Come First, the title of which might give you a clue as to the strategy that seems to be most successful for the greatest number of couples.
It is simple: when she's aroused through foreplay, you take her to orgasm through oral sex or masturbation - if she wants you to do so. After she's satisfied, she'll be much more receptive and want to make love to you, and, incidentally, you'll enjoy it a lot more because her vagina will still be warm and swollen after her climax.
It's not a perfect recipe for sexual harmony -- which I happen to believe is achieved through orgasm during intercourse, and preferably close together -- but it meets most couples' needs, and it's an extremely good way of building intimacy, trust and rapport, and therefore ultimately strengthening your relationship.
If at this point, you're still wondering if there's a foolproof way to tell if a woman has had an orgasm, shame on you! What about open and honest communication? Can't you just ask? Now, there's an interesting thought. If you ask her "did you come?" What answer do you want or expect to hear?
One thing that might help you get an insight into your partner's enjoyment of sex with you is how wet she becomes, since wetness equals arousal (it's equivalent to you getting an erection, at least in terms of sexual excitement). But even that isn't foolproof because there are a lot of women who get excited and don't experience vaginal lubrication in any quantity.
One of the things that's truly startling for any sex researcher is how many women have never actually experienced an orgasm. There are many reasons why men have so many orgasm and women don't: not least because men experience their own sexuality from very early on in life -- after all your penis was there to be played with from Day One! Women don't have the same obvious external signs of their sexuality, particularly as children, and even as adults they may miss the signs of arousal that their body gives them. (A good example of this is the fact that women often lubricate in response to erotic films, but when asked if they feel sexually aroused will almost always say "no". Being aroused in the body is enough for a man to want sex; it's certainly not enough for a woman to want sex.)
One of the more unfortunate consequences of this is that a woman often finds it difficult to explain what she wants when she is in a relationship, or even when she's enjoying what you're doing to her. This is frustrating for men - why can't a woman communicate her sexual needs? After all, it's totally obvious to us men what we like, what we enjoy, and what we want more of during intimacy with our lover, so why can't it be as easy for a woman?
The answer is always lies in how we're brought up and in our conditioning: women simply aren't brought up to be sexual creatures, they're taught to be "clean", not to play with themselves, and certainly not to show off or talk about their sexual organs or their sense of sexual arousal. Many women are inhibited about the cleanliness of their sexual organs, and many of them have never explored their own bodies in any detail. Though this may sound shocking, you need to be prepared for it: coming across a woman who's never had an orgasm can be very unnerving, especially if she's never played with her own clitoris either.
And as for masturbation, well, that's another issue altogether! Many women don't masturbate, and although women may be eager to tell each other all the details of their sex lives (something I regard as a gross breach of trust and confidentiality, but I'm led to believe happens all the time), apparently they don't talk to each other about masturbation.
If there's any difficulty around orgasm or other sexual issues like this in your woman's life, then it may help to start the process of opening her up to her sexuality by reading some of the mutual pleasuring experiences on this website, but perhaps even more importantly, you need to actually try doing some of those things together: mutual pleasuring can be a real turn on, and may well open up a whole new area of your sexuality.
Pleasing a woman isn't just about making the right moves, as you will realise by now. Even if you're feeling tired, grumpy, think it's taking her too long to get to orgasm, and you want to enjoy your own orgasm, pleasing a woman can still be a source of great satisfaction and self-esteem to a man. All women who have a man who feels this way needs to celebrate the fact that he loves pleasing her! But, unfortunately, a lot of men don't feel the same way. If you're a man who gets resentful when expected to pleasure a woman, one option for you is to put a lot of energy into making her feel good. That's always a good strategy, of course, but it's even more important if orgasms are not that important to her.
In this case you can enjoy the sensuality of intimate contact, and you can find out what she wants by asking her directly: "What would you like me to do?" When you ask this, make it seem like a pleasure, rather than a duty that you reluctantly undertake for her.
All in all, then, to make it as likely as possible that your female partner will enjoy sex, that you'll be able to take her to orgasm, you need to create a mood that's as relaxed as possible. You need to be patient, tolerant, and willing to go on for as long as it takes before she reaches orgasm. You need to enjoy slow and sensual acts of touch, kissing and mutual carressing with her; you need to be emotionally intimate with her; and enjoy lots of foreplay (even if it irritates you); above all, you need to make sure she's fully aroused by the time you're both ready for penetrative lovemaking.
Engage in open and honest communication - that way you'll know what she needs to satisfy her. Be open to asking her questions about what she wants, and reassure her that your intention is that both of you receive the maximum pleasure possible. In responding to her answers, it's not only about what she says on the surface: you have to interpret what she means in the unspoken subtext. Until she's confident and trusting enough to directly tell you the truth about how she's feeling what she wants, you may have to do a certain amount of decoding and interpretation. If you take the time and trouble to do this you'll earn her trust and the rewards will far outweigh your expectations. Now it's time to move on to the specific sexual techniques that can excite and stimulate a woman -- and you as well.
Any questions? Email me: rod@heart-body-mind.com