Here Is The Definitive Guide To Pleasing A Woman -
The One That Lets You Both Have Fantastic Sex!

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Why Men Lie -- And Women Cry

Like it or not, guys, this could very well be the number one complaint that women level against men. Is it justified? If you think about the very first interaction that most men and women have, the first date, legend has it that the man often says he'll call and then probably doesn't do so. Is that a lie?

I must admit I find it hard to see it as anything other than a lie, and if it's typical of how men treat women, that is to say without integrity, then no wonder we're the object of this particular complaint. But what does saying that you'll call at the end of the first date, and then not actually doing so, really mean? The answer seems to be that it's just too hard for a man to look a woman in the eyes and say something like "I'm sorry, I don't want to see you again". And why is that so hard?

Well, it's back to the same old concept: no one (i.e. our fathers, elder men) taught us how to deal with women. Nor do we have the verbal adeptness that would help us deal with this kind of situation. Yet there are simple alternatives to lying! For example, you can say: "It was nice seeing you." That's a gentle way of letting somebody down.

Many men would explain lying in another way. They claim, and with some justification, I think, that the way women react to what they say induces them to lie. We know it may not be particularly honest, but it's just so much easier to lie than listening to the emotional tirade of anger, or criticism, or whatever that comes out in response to what we say.

The problem here of course is that lying in this way leads to further difficulties in the future, and it isn't showing much integrity in the present. Ask yourself: is that the kind of man you want to be? If the answer is "no", then seek another pathway, because lying destroys trust in a relationship, and if it happens more than once, it can destroy trust irretrievably. Try the following strategy. Tell her openly and honestly that you have felt the need to lie because her reaction is hard for you to cope with, and that in future you commit to telling her the truth, and if she reacts hysterically or outrageously or completely over the top or just unfairly, you'll walk out of the room and that will be the end of the discussion.

Making Time For Her

You've got to accept that compromises have to be made in a relationship. Let me emphasize again that this isn't about giving yourself away or changing everything you do just for the benefit of your woman. Far from it. It's about seeking a path of compromise that is acceptable to both you and her. So when she seems needy, it probably means that she has a need for attention. What's going on in a woman's mind when she behaves like this is really straightforward: she's frightened of losing you, and she sees a lack of your attention as a sign that you're losing interest in her..... and that means you might be moving on. For a woman, this fear is roughly equal to your fear of losing your job: it can make it seem like life is over.

When you don't make the woman you're with your top priority, you're saying that other things are more important than she is. And she hates that! What solves this problem is a constant supply of reminders from you that you're not taking her for granted, and that you do care about her. Nothing pleases her more than to know that you're proud to have her as your partner in your relationship. Nothing reassures her more than seeing that you make time for her on a regular, consistent basis. Nothing raises her self-esteem more than the fact that you find all sorts of ways to connect with her. And really, when you think about it, if you're not prepared to spend quality time with her, why are you in a relationship with her at all? Because it's convenient? Because you want sex? (Not that you're probably getting much bedroom action if that's the state of your relationship.)

Here's an action plan: thank her every day for something she's done for you, but do it sincerely, from your heart. Take the time every day to spend at least a few minutes together sharing some activity, whether it's a walk, cleaning the kitchen, cooking the dinner, or playing a game. And cuddle and hug her a lot -- you never know, you might even get to like it yourself.

Keep The Fires Of Passion Burning

It's true that people in a relationship often become complacent towards each other. Women stop taking as much trouble about their appearance, and men stop acting romantically. Neither of these things needs to happen. It's a matter of pride and self-esteem. When you feel good about yourself, and you feel good about your relationship, then there's a natural incentive to want to look good for your partner, and to please her. All you have to do is treat her in the way you treated her when you first met her -- remember how much time you spent seducing her, wooing her, charming her, and buying her flowers? Is there really any reason that you can't do that now?

One of the best ways to show a woman that you love and appreciate her is to organise special dates with her. You don't have the time? Your job's too important? I know only too well how important a man's job can seem to him, because I've been in that situation myself.

How is it you wonder, that she doesn't understand how utterly important it is to you as a man to keep the money coming in, how committed you are to providing for her and you in this way? Well, the answer is simple: it's the same for her, except her priority is keeping the relationship together -- for her that's the most important thing. Obviously from your point of view there's an incompatibility between working all the hours of the day and having a good relationship. You can't do it. Surely as a man (a man with the ability to fix things!), you can find a compromise way of working fewer hours and spending more time with your partner so that you get the best of both worlds? After a while you may find that the rewards in your relationship is so great that you don't miss the work at all, even if you previously justified it on the grounds that you're providing essential resources for you both. I'm not trying to denigrate the importance of this role for men, because I know it's written very deep in our genes. The problem is that if it takes over, then you lose something else that's good for your soul - your relationship.

However women are able to compromise and maybe if you come up with a plan and discuss it with her, you'll be able to establish some ground rules and boundaries that allow you both to get more or less what you want. Above all, don't take her for granted, and show her respect and thoughtfulness.

Why Can't She Make Up Her Mind?

There can hardly be a man on the planet who hasn't asked himself why women have a hard time making up their minds, being direct and clear about what it is they want to do, and simply sticking to that decision once it's made. Why are women so indecisive?

What you probably don't understand about this process is the confusion and chaos that goes on in a woman's mind when she's trying to make a decision.  She has a profound desire to accommodate your wishes and to please you. Just imagine for a moment what this must be like for a woman torn between her desire to do what she wants and her desire to please you by doing what you want (or at least what she thinks you want).

Frustrating as it is for you to be faced with this behaviour, you can resolve to stop this happening by engaging in clear and direct communication with her. Whenever you see such a situation developing, step in and make it perfectly clear that you want her to tell you what she wants. Respond by telling her what you want. And then these things are clear, work out a compromise that allows you both to get the best of all possible worlds. I might add that you're probably going to have to reassure her several times before she really believes that this is what you want her to do, and it hardly goes without saying that if you start expressing annoyance, irritation, or aggression, that'll be the end of any chance you had of getting her to express herself honestly.

While we're on the subject of understanding what a woman means, it's hopefully unnecessary to point out that statements like: "I don't want anything for my birthday this year" do not mean what they appear to mean. You might have an issue with the fact that she's saying this kind of thing, but don't take her at her word. Buy her a beautiful gift even if it's something small, and then tell her reassuringly and gently, that you'd really prefer it if she said directly and clearly what was on her mind.

One of the problems is that women naturally test men by throwing out clues and hints and even contrary suggestions (such as the "don't buy me anything for my birthday" line). It's reprehensible, just as bad as men lying, in my view, and the best way to deal with it is to tackle it directly and cleanly.

The only reason she's doing it is because that's how she's learned to approach men: she might want to let you off the hook because she feels guilty about taking your time or attention -- that's a massive issue for a lot of women. She may feel bad about accepting things from you -- another problem for a lot of women, most of whom are brought up to give rather than to receive.

It's really hard for her to express the fact that she wants something -- hence she behaves in a way that you might see as manipulative or write off as "feminine wiles". All of us, men and women alike, need to learn how to communicate directly clearly and honestly. Once we do that, the deception, the double meaning, the guessing games, and the lies will all fade away.

Finally, it's not unusual for women to see their men's ability or willingness to provide them with gifts as an expression of how much they love them. The flaw in the logic is that when it comes down to it, most women appreciate time and closeness with their man just as much, if not more, than an expensive gift. If she looks longingly at something beautiful that costs a small fortune, you can probably assume that it's an expression of her desire for you to show her how much she is worth to you, and not necessarily a desire to have the beautiful expensive gift! On the other hand, there are times where you just have to learn to use your intuition and work out what it is she actually means. Good luck!

Whatever You Do Don't Try And Fix Her

One thing that men all over the world seem to want to do is to fix the problems their women present to them. It's what we do; we men are fixers. The only problem is that when a woman tells you about her problem she usually isn't asking you to fix it.

Here's the difference: when something bothers you, you take action to change it, to mend it, or to fix it. But when something is bothering a woman, she likes to talk about it. In your response you see a need to fix it for her, so off you go making your suggestions about how things could be improved/altered/mended/changed/or whatever. And the end result? She doesn't feel heard, and you feel put down when she reacts negatively to your very helpful suggestions.

Since this is so important let's summarise these differences between men and women:

  • when a man has a problem he usually wants to be left alone; a woman wants to be with someone.
  • when a man has a problem he likes to retreat into himself to think it through; a woman wants to talk about it (oh boy, does she ever!).
  • when a woman complains she wants support, empathy or some sign that you've understood her; what you want to do is provide a practical suggestion to fix the situation for her.

In essence, therefore, when a man has a problem he wants to find a solution; when a woman has a problem she wants support and empathy, and somebody to talk to about it - the last thing she needs are instructions on what to do next. If she needs instructions on what to do next she'll ask for them. So, unless she asks for help don't offer it. (Although you could ask her if she wants anything from you to help solve the problem. That's always a good way of showing her that you care.)

And while it's true that women often go on and on about a problem, you have to accept that really is their way of dealing with the problem, frustrating though it undoubtedly is for you as a man to listen to. You're itching to find a solution, while she wants somebody to listen to her. And while it might be difficult for you to listen to this apparently circular discussion of what's going on for her, you'll find that if you take the time to listen, when she's finished and you ask her if there's anything you can do to help her, more often than not the problem will actually have gone away.

It's also important that you don't make fun of her or diminish the value of what she's doing: if she's angry, sad, tired, whatever, that's her experience, and it's just as valid as yours, even if you got very frustrated listening to it.

OK, so what do you do if she tells you about a problem she's got -- for example, something that happened at work? Don't rush in and give her a solution, don't rush in and give her suggestions about how to fix it. She's perfectly capable of doing that for herself. What she actually wants is the experience of your support: a shoulder to cry on, a hug, a hand running through her hair and some kind words whispered in her ear. Giving her your support and boosting her confidence like this (or in any other way for that matter) is actually going to strengthen your relationship.

That Delicate Monthly Cycle

Premenstrual tension has been the butt of so many bad jokes over the years that even if it ever was amusing, it's long since ceased to be funny in any way for men and women alike.

Because women can behave irrationally emotionally and irritably without good reason when their hormonal swings take place during the monthly cycle, and because this can be both hurtful and unpredictable for the man she's with, it's hard to know how to approach the subject.

What's obvious is that neither sex understands the impact of PMS on the other. For a woman who is going through some very real emotional and physical changes (some of which can be quite unpleasant, among them bloating, muscle cramps and mood swings), hearing a man making a bad joke about PMS is just hurtful. For a man who doesn't like dealing with feminine emotionality at the best of times, the irrational mood swings and sudden rages that arrive the back of hormonal changes can be both totally disconnecting, induce a huge amount of resentment, and make him feel that he'd rather be anywhere than in the relationship.

It's a tricky area, there's no doubt about that. One of the keys is for women to show self-awareness when they're not experiencing PMS and talk about it with their men so that there is at least a level of understanding about what's happening for her. I think it's also incumbent upon the woman to find some way of relieving the symptoms. This can be as simple as asking her partner for a lavender aromatherapy massage on her back, taking some exercise, or finding a holistic therapy that alleviates the symptoms.

Just taking it out on her partner because he happens to be the nearest and safest target is completely unacceptable. Just as unacceptable as it is for him to go down to the pub and start making jokes about PMS with his friends.

On The Need For Feminine Reassurance

If you're a man in a relationship with a woman, one thing you're certain to have noticed is that she needs constant reassurance. It doesn't matter that you reassured her yesterday about some aspect of her appearance, or the shape of her body, or the size of her breasts, or whether she's doing okay at work, or whether the relationship is going well, or whether you loved her ... strangely enough, she needs the same reassurance today. Why is that? What is that about, and why is it so frustrating for men, who think that when they've reassured their partner about something, that should be the end of the matter and she "shouldn't" need further reassurance?

The first aspect of this problem is that in general women's self-esteem is very fragile. Women are programmed from a very early age to judge their worth by how they look, by external standards imposed by the media and the fashion industry. It's a very painful situation to be in. If you think about it, there's a parallel with the adolescent boys in the locker room at school, where physical development is an all-important symbol of how masculine you are and how much respect you get from other boys.

How a woman looks, specifically around her weight, determines how much respect she gets from both men and women. You might think that's sad, you might think it's tragic, but the reality is that women's self-esteem is very dependent on reassurance from the world around them, and especially from the men with whom they are in relationship. No matter how much men may judge women, one harsh reality is that they are unquestionably judging themselves much more harshly. In this respect it's certainly true that women do themselves no favours, by admiring the qualities of other women, and even expressing this (e.g.: "I'd give anything to have your complexion.") That's demeaning to women in general and to the individual who says it in particular, and it's no way for a woman to build up her self-esteem and establish true independence.

And, having said that, there is some truth in the assertion that women like to look good for men. Over and over again, men express a desire for good looks in a woman. Even if they claim that they don't particularly want to be with a very good-looking woman, they still have an aesthetic appreciation of a woman's appearance, and it undoubtedly determines who they want to be seen with in some way.

Men contribute to women's insecurity around body fat, too. Men often make remarks about a woman's weight; mostly, they don't like their partner to put weight on, and they aren't always sensitive about the way they express this preference. Yet when you talk to women you begin to realize that it really is very hard indeed for them to exert control over their body weight: certainly it's much harder for them than it is for a man.

And this insecurity just goes on and on and on -- she talks about getting old, about her weight, her body shape, her looks, her dress sense, whether any or all of this pleases you or not. It seems this insecurity is based on her need to feel wanted, her need to feel appreciated and desired -- and, or course, the fear of not being wanted, desired or appreciated.

Whatever you think about this it's easy enough for you, as a man, to offer a degree of reassurance that costs you nothing but makes a real difference to your partner. If you think it's not up to you to boost her self-esteem, then there might be some serious questions to be asked about the health of your relationship.

Nowhere is female and male insecurity clearer for a man than when it comes to dealing with a strong, capable, independent woman, often one who has a successful career in business. Many men see the conquest of a woman like this as a challenge. But this type of woman tends to need a man who is equal to herself and who doesn't feel threatened by a strong woman.

Independence, after all, does tend to mean that you don't need to rely on somebody else for your sense of well-being. So, if you're intimidated by successful women, the only hope of you having a successful relationship with one is to find a healthy way of relating to her....finding a way of making your needs complementary, rather than about fulfilling the simple equation of helpless, needy woman making up to a strong protector and provider.

Simple Answers To Difficult Questions

When she asks you if she looks fat, or or if her "ass looks big in this" (or similar "trick" questions), be aware of what's actually underneath the question.

You might tell her that, actually, it's the fat on her ass that makes her ass look big, not the clothes she's wearing. But that probably won't help either of you much. 

If she asks you to choose one pair of shoes from two, and you do, she may then ask you if you don't like the other pair, leaving you feeling like every other man who's been in this situation -- that you're beating your head against a brick wall to no avail.

Why does she do this kind of thing? In simple terms, she asks you a question, you answer, she doesn't believe your answer, so she goes on asking further questions to test you. This pattern is unhelpful, indeed it's actually quite destructive of trust, and it's a very unhealthy compulsion. When a woman won't accept a man's answer to her question and goes on trying to get him to say what she really wants to hear, it's likely that her low self-esteem may be getting in the way of reality. Of course it's the fat that makes her look fat. Of course it's the lines on her face that make her look old. That's what she believes, and that's what she expects to hear, no matter how much you reassure her. But what's even worse is when she's actually quite slim, or she has no lines on her face. When it's all in her mind, this tends to develop into a situation where you really can't win.

The first thing you have to do here is decide whether she wants a true answer or she wants reassurance. If she wants a true answer, than making some observation that implies you've actually thought about what you're saying can be helpful: for example, you can give the reasons why you like her shoes or her dress or her haircut. Simply saying you don't know will sound like you don't care, or give her a blank canvas on which to paint all kinds of negativity. A better answer combines reassurance and information. So for example: "You don't look fat; in fact you look very sexy when you wear those clothes because they show off your breasts to perfection."

Just Leave Me Alone, Godammit!

"Is something wrong?" The question every man dreads.

Even as I wrote that I could feel myself groaning internally! That horrible question. It pops up when you're just pondering something and you don't wish to share it with her. Next, she starts asking "What are you thinking about? You're very quiet. Is everything all right?"

This kind of paranoia can drive a man up the wall. And even when you tell her nothing is wrong, she won't leave it alone! What the hell is this behavior about? It's about her insecurity. It's about the fact that she thinks you're reflecting on the state of your relationship, and because you won't tell her, she's done something wrong.

The only way to deal with this effectively is to answer honestly: "Yes, I have a problem at work, and I'm thinking it through, and it doesn't involve you."  That's much more reassuring than simply saying nothing is wrong and walking out of the room. The problem, of course, is that she's assuming you're thinking about something she's done or said that's bothering you - and that's a threat to her security. So once again, reassurance is what's required.

And at this point, if you're wondering why you're in a relationship when it seems so challenging and difficult, just remember the benefits: there's no greater source of support, affection, love, fun, and regular sex than in an intimate relationship with another human being. When it's going well, that is.